“Love is the most challenging activity that people get into. We’re invited into this very dangerous arena, where the possibilities for humiliation and failure are ample. After a certain amount of time the accumulation of defeats is going to be significant and one needs to find the courage not to shut down..” -Leonard Cohen
The term “out of my league” is one that has always annoyed me. What exactly does it mean anyway? She wouldn’t be with someone like you because you’re not good looking enough, don’t have enough money or friends? Nonsense. We’ve all dated a woman we initially thought was a 10 only to find out she had the IQ of a garden salad without dressing.
They’re not great in bed and one always fears she’d do herself a mischief in the kitchen by poking around your expensive toaster with a knife. How are you going to explain a girl who is THAT hot, half naked and dead in your kitchen? They would lock you up and throw away the key my good man.
No, what you want is a good-looking woman with depth, ambition and a good sense of humour. It certainly doesn’t hurt if you’ve bought a set of dumbbells and have been attempting some Exercises to Build Muscle at Home, but remember, it’s not all about looks. You’re looking for a girl with good conversation skills who will value a decent guy that treats her well.
But oh how to approach such a girl without getting your undies in a bunch and fumbling your words. If only there was a guide of sorts to give you ways of “bumping into” and talking to such wonderful creatures.
Well Sir, today you are in luck, for this is such a document. If you promise that you are not going to use this article just to sleep with as many gorgeous women as you can, then I’m happy for you to go ahead and use these tactics to meet the woman of your dreams.
Before you begin searching “25 Sex Tips”, you have to find the right one for you (though it is useful if you’ve learnt how to Cultivate Your Own Personal Brand). I have outlined some fundamentals before we get into the nuts and bolts of approaching a woman in public or in a club. Then we will unpack best practises for texting the lucky lady, to ensure we don’t go through all the effort of meeting her just to cock it up with texts.
Please understand and take on board the below rudiments before attempting to move onto the practical side.
Confidence is key: (or perceived confidence).
If you’re confident, you’re bullet proof. If you’re not a naturally confident person, then pretend you are! This is not the time to stick to your guns about “the right girl finding you”. Grow up, this is real life. You have to be the type of guy who attracts the type of woman you are looking for.
Whatever you do, don’t “be yourself” or “let your emotions be your guide” when you’re trying to meet a woman! If you were to just “let your emotions be your guide” your entire life, you’d be unemployed and likely looking at some serious time behind bars.
Being more of yourself is for when you are in a relationship with the girl and you want to explore a long-term future together, but you won’t get into a relationship with her by being yourself.
is charming when you’re a legend like Leonard Cohen or Johnny Depp, but when you or I say things that we think are “making us more humble”, all it’s really coming off as is being negative, putting yourself down and really, a little pathetic.
By all means, play down huge achievements that you have made IF, and only IF the woman is likely to stumble upon the truth of your success in a short while.
There is no use down playing a very successful business by saying something like, “well it’s more luck than skill”, unless she is likely to discover in an hour that you built the business by yourself from the ground up.
But if she isn’t likely to discover this fact then you say something like, “yea hard work has really paid off for me”. This is your chance to show off a little, it may be your only chance so make it count.
You’re worried about being dishonest?
Grow up! Life is mostly ALL acting my friend. You think the hot girl you talk to isn’t putting on an act to cover up her insecurities?
Trust me, she also has insecurities. She may have rich parents, a chubby past or she’s relied on her looks to get through life. Maybe she’s terrified of getting older, ashamed that she picks her nose in the shower, or has to shave her toes. The point is, no matter how composed she looks at 1st, pay attention, her hands and feet will reveal her secrets and betray her for all who are willing to see
Approaching and talking to a woman should be thought of as a fun drama class. Pretend you’re an actor, your Oscar is the girl. You have to put on a performance in order to achieve your goal. Think of a confident man you admire and channel him. Be a conduit for his personality and allow yourself to watch his spirit at work.
insecurity or anger, and it’s over! There is NOTHING more attractive than being confident and secure, and it’s almost the hardest thing to fake, but fake it you must!
If another guy buys your girl a drink in the club, ask to take a sip and then pull a face and say, “Cor, that’s the cheap stuff governor”. Then say to her, “when you’re ready for a real drink, let me know”. Then splurge.
Ignore him if you can, but if he is persistent, ask him a question that you have special knowledge about and watch him squirm.
Your heart might be beating like a racehorse and your blood boiling with rage at another guy chatting to your girl, but do not let it show.
Pretend to be friendly, it’ll confuse but relax him and when his guard is down, ask him about his relationship with his mother. And then remain completely calm as he gets upset, don’t say anything to placate him, just let it play out. Look confused if he gets upset.
It’s funny, it makes a great story later with your mates. When you’re in a club, go with some mates who are all on the lookout for a girlfriend. You will do and say far more brave things knowing your mates are egging you on or there to laugh with you when you crash and burn.
Have a little competition to see how many “crash and burns” you can get in 1 night and a prize to go with it, the name of the game is fun. But remember to always respect the women you guys chat with.
Approaching Women Outdoors
When out in public, the goal as you approach a woman is to get her number from her and no more. If you suggest “hanging out sometime” and ask for her number and SHE suggests hanging out “now”, great. But otherwise, allow her the pleasure of taking leave from your company.
Of course, once you have her number, it will take a further set of skills to parlay it for an actual meeting somewhere relaxed and public so you can dazzle her with your wit and charm.
The first thing you need to consider here is your target market. If you’re a balding middle-aged man, then combing the college campuses is likely not going to garner you the kind of attention you’re after. Similarly, if you’re 18 and still a student of “Our Lady of Perpetual Teenage Boner”, then cornering the MILF from next door at the public pool probably isn’t where your success lies.
1. The Place
You’re going to want to pic a place where age appropriate targets choose to wander around. Outside a busy supermarket is a terrible idea, because folks are not just hanging around and taking it easy, they are on their way to do something.
You’re going to want to pick a walkway at a beach, shopping mall or any other public place where people have the time to stop and chat (Ikea perhaps).
Ideally, you’re going to want to do this during the day when women feel safe and you walking up to them won’t feel like an abduction or robbery.
Ensure you are well but appropriately dressed for the occasion. Tuxedo at the beach is overdoing it and shorts with no shirt in the shopping mall is going to score you no points (if you look like you’re entering your 3rd trimester, then shorts with no shirt anywhere isn’t going to cut it).
Make an effort with your hair, put on a little aftershave and brush your teeth, you don’t want her to think she’s part of a covert mustard gas experiment.
Don’t sit or stand somewhere and pick out your target like a prowler. Walk up and down casually until you see someone you like and go in for the meet. The reason this is also a good idea is that it doesn’t give you time to overthink things. You wanna be a bit like Donald Trump here and treat thinking-before-you-speak as the enemy. If you spot a woman while you’re standing still, you will get butterflies, your heart will pound, you’ll start trying to think of something to say and you will psych yourself out.
It’s important to remember that everyone gets nervous when going up to someone they don’t know. If you really struggle though, try going up to 20 pretty girls (1 at a time) and politely asking them the time and then thanking them and moving on. The lack of pressure here will make it easier for you and you’ll eventually feel very comfortable with the old stop-and-ask.
So, you amble along, spot the person, take a deep breath and head in their direction. Try count the breaths you are taking in and out slowly as you arrive in front of them, the counting will stop your mind overthinking.
Remember, breathe slowly, you don’t want to arrive panting like you’re having a panic attack (even though you might actually be having one).
And if you do have one, so what, tell her you had a great line but now you’re so nervous you can’t think straight, you never know, she may find you endearing. What do you have to lose?
If you do spot a girl from further away, never wait more than 3 seconds before going to speak with her. Any more than 3 seconds and your brain will begin to self-sabotage. Your brain could win an academy award for excuses not to talk to a girl if you allow it time to think.
4. In for The Kill
When you approach your target, you want to come in from the front, almost head on (you’re not driving a Volkswagen so head on is fine). You do not want to be coming in from behind or the side.
If you alarm your target, it’s over. Come in from quite a distance away and stay to her side as if you’re going to pass by. When you’re about 10 feet away turn and head straight on.
As you approach your target, you want to go in quite deliberately, almost aggressively. If you go in half baked, she will walk around you. Put out your hand to stop her as if she may step in dog shit if she doesn’t stop right away (but do not touch her).
Keep your hand below boob height and keep your fingers gently open (not like Forest Gump counting to 5, just in a relaxed way).
Any higher than below boob height and you’ll end up with a handful of boob (make sure this never happens or you will go to jail). If your fingers are closed, you’ll resemble a crossing guard.
(If, by some freak of nature or bad luck, she does not stop before your hand, pull both your hands back as if she had a knife, this should confuse her enough to stop her).
If she walks around you, let her go. Perhaps she has anxiety or has had a bad experience, you don’t want to trigger her or cause her to feel afraid, just apologise as if you’ve stepped on her toe and let her pass).
Now, as you approach, you want to be making direct eye contact and be smiling, not like a crazy person, but like someone who has just chuckled about something.
Your smile and demeanour must be akin to you bumping into a mate who you saw earlier in the day. Too much and she will be afraid or think you’ve mistaken her for someone else, no smile at all and she’ll think you’ve come about spare change.
As soon as the two of you have come to a stop, you want to lean back onto your back foot and get out of her personal space/comfort zone so she doesn’t feel threatened. Going in a little aggressive will have heightened her awareness, so it’s important you immediately transfer your body weight back away from her (again, ensure you are somewhere public so she feels safe)
5. The Line
It’s more important to look and speak confidently than what it is you say. No matter how great your 1st line is, unless you look cool, calm and confident, it will matter not.
So, shoulders back and relaxed, slow confident walk with the smile. Your tone should be measured and firm but not too loud.
The opening line should be something along the lines of, “Hey I just wanted to ask you something quickly..”. If she says nothing, just ask your next question without waiting for an answer.
You can begin with almost anything, “do you know the best place to get a coffee around here..”, “I really like your sneakers, do you mind if I ask where you got them..” almost anything will do.
Have a follow up question too: “is a coffee or cappuccino really the best way to go? What’s your favourite?” Or, “Thanks, I was thinking of getting all white sneakers, what do you think is best for a guy, all white or with some colour?”
Again, give her time to answer and maintain eye contact and keep smiling (not like the joker, but a confident smirkish smile would be great)
Don’t judge how it’s going by her response here, remember, her brain is still trying to work out what the hell is going on. She still doesn’t know where this is going so, she will be a little confused, just keep being sweet and kind.
Once she has answered your question/s, say, “hey, my name is ‘Greg’ by the way and extend your hand to shake hers (do not crush her hand, she is a girl so shake her hand as you think she would expect you to shake, deliberate but not too firm). She will then introduce herself.
(if the world you’re living in is still one in which a global pandemic is a problem, then a handshake will send her recoiling, so omit it)
Using her name, you then say, “hey ‘Carly’ great to meet you..” Then you let go of her hand and say, “I actually have a confession to make.. I really just stopped you because I think you’re stunning and I wanted to say hi..”. (then big smile!) Give her time to digest this and let out a small chuckle as if you’re a little coy (even though you’re not coy, you’re mustard!).
6. The Close
She will likely now feel much better as you have told her the reason for this interaction.
Her brain will now allow her to think about how she feels about what is happening and her demeanour with change, hopefully for the better. She might say “thank you”, to which you reply, “you’re very welcome, maybe you’d like to hang out sometime?”
Unless you get a definite “no” or, “I have a boyfriend” from her, pull out your phone and say, “could I have your number? I’ll text you sometime”. If she says, “uuuummmmm..” in place of a no, indicate you’re about to type it in.
She will likely give you a number (whether it’s her number or not remains to be discovered, so don’t be sending hearts and flowers right away, you might be sending it to a Rakesh in Mumbai)
If she does say, “no” or “I have a boyfriend” or “na, I don’t think so..” you don’t let it phase you in the least, but you do not push any further! You say, “hey that’s totally fine, you’re lovely, it’s been great chatting with you..” and you keep smiling all the time.
But don’t move. If she wants to leave, let her go around you. Wherever she goes, continue to face her, but don’t move from your spot. As she walks off, say, “Great meeting you Carly have a wonderful day..” in a kind and sincere voice.
It’s not uncommon for a girl to un-reject you if you take the rejection really well and basically laugh at yourself about it. There is something about a man who takes rejection like he’s just won money that intrigues a woman and she might change her mind and give you that number.
Meeting Women Indoors
There are different strategies for picking up women indoors, in a club or pub setting, than in public. Women in these environments are almost expecting guys to chat them up and they are more relaxed after a few drinks.
This can be both good and bad news. A few drinks lower their inhibitions so they are likely to be more receptive, friendly and approachable, but they are also more likely to be in a group where things can turn ugly if you don’t know what you’re doing.
7. How to Arrive
If you’re able, hit the club in a small group, 3 to 5 guys is an ideal number. It helps your confidence and self-esteem to be arriving with mates. It’s fun to watch your mates potentially crash and burn and it’s fun for them watching you.
If you get rejected in a club with 3 of your mates watching you, it’s a laugh for all concerned. If you score with your mates watching you, you look like a hero, it’s win win.
Unlike in public, here you’ll want to stand out from the average guy. Wear a cool hat, a funky shirt that stands out or an outfit that has more character than the typical run-of-the-mill dude. It’s all about getting noticed and dressing to be noticed.
This is called “peacocking” (for obvious reasons). Johnny Depp wears earrings, a hat, bangles and a necklace, Tommy Lee has wild hair and open neck shirts (and a gigantic penis apparently, but 2 out of 3 for you still ain’t bad). The combination of dressing differently and exuding confidence is a winning mixture for picking up girls in the club.
As with the public scene, you don’t want to spot a girl and then spend 20min trying to think of something to say. As you and your mates wander around the club, spot a girl and go for it. Worry about what you’re going to say when you get there.
8. The Approach
Remember, always approach from head on, never from the side. If you approach from the side, she only has to turn slightly and you look like a bell-end. If you come in from the front after a 17-meter approach, you will look like a buss moving down the high street and she will notice you coming.
If a girl is on her own, your approach should be less aggressive than if she was with a friend or in public. In a club, the girl is not moving so you don’t have to stop her in her tracks (also no need to hold out your hand, you’ll look mad)
9. The Line
Once she has noticed you, you can go with a standard, “how are you?” but then right after she answers, you have to become unique, and fast. The next line is all important.
When your 1st line comes out of your mouth, she is still trying to suss you out, but your 2nd line has to pique her interest. Remember, you need to be confident, like you do this shit for a living.
Say to her, “I bet you work in the corporate world?”. If she says yes, you look like a fucking genius! If she says, “no, I flip burgers down at Wendy’s” (or whatever), you come back with, “Damn, I just read this eBook about how to tell what beautiful women do for a living and I really suck at it..” then laugh.
She will laugh too. She will likely ask you what the signs are, or she will keep quiet. In both cases, come back with something like, “It says a beautiful woman with great posture, sexy painted nails and an air of confidence will definitely work in the corporate space”.
And you go from there. If you have your confidence with you, just sit back and watch as your mouth and brain come up with some great lines.
10. The Close
Read her: Has her body language been open to you for the past hour, is she being flirty and forward? If the answer to all of these is “yes”, then you might want to suggest going somewhere quieter to get to know each other better.
If she declines then say that’s fine and keep the magic happening, ask her questions about herself, pay close attention, employ attentive listening and make her feel special.
You are going to want to split before the conversation begins to run dry. Always leave on a high or after a great joke. If she begs you to stay then do, but leave her wanting more. Keep in mind, a movie is judged by the high point and how it ends and so will your interaction, so make sure you leave after a high, even if it’s early.
Tell her you are going to shoot off to meet some mates somewhere else or tell her you don’t want to be rude to the mates you’re there with and ask her for her number.
11. The Smart Girl
If you’ve walked into a conversation with a really smart girl, then you my friend, need to pull out the big guns and be ready to just laugh at yourself if she calls you out.
Say to her, “Hey, you seem like a really smart woman, mind if I ask you a deep question? (She will be intrigued and agree)
“What one thing do you need in your life to make you feel that life is worthwhile?”
She will likely say something like “success” or “Companionship”. (her answer = X)
Then say, “okay, that’s pretty cool. So, if you had “X” (success or whatever), how would that make you feel inside?” (touch your heart when you say this)
If she replies with something like, “whole” or “fulfilled” or “complete” (any of these = Y) then you say “That’s it, “Y” (wholeness, just add “ness” to whatever she says) that’s your core value” (and touch her arm as you repeat the word back to her).
e.g. “That’s it, Completeness, that’s your core value. You long for completeness, and I know it’s true because when you said it, you had this smile and glow”
She will smile. Which is when you say, “wow, look at us, I’ve only known you 5 minutes and I feel like I know you better than most of your friends.”
If she is intelligent, this will work like a spell.
If it turns out you were wrong and she is not as blessed with brains as you had originally surmised, then just break off the formula at any stage in the above and say, “I’m so sorry, I’ve forgotten how this formula goes, you just look so smokin’ hot in that dress that I can’t even think straight” and laugh, hard.
Apply the same close technique as “The Close” above.
12. The Multi-girl Switcheroo
If there are 2 or more girls and you’re after the hot one, all of the above still applies, except, when you go up to them, greet them as a group with “hi ladies” and then begin to chat with the least attractive girl/s in the group or pair.
Pay almost no attention to the object of your affection. The lack of attention will start to eat away at her and she will begin to chime in to the conversation. Ignore her.
If she begins to get forceful or attempts to take over the conversation, look at her, then back at her friend and say, “god, is she always this needy?” (referring to the pretty one in the 3rd person).
Eventually the pretty one will stop being bitchy and realise she is going to have to play nice as her looks have no effect on you.
You can gently include her in the conversation but ostracise her at the 1st hint of arrogance.
Don’t be too hard on her, especially if you intend on sleeping with her at some stage, remember, it’s not her fault she’s a brat, she has likely gotten by on her looks all her life and she’s never had to cultivate and develop her personality.
Again, before the conversation starts to wind down, you say, look ladies I’m off, but before I go can I grab your numbers? (take all of their numbers)
Even if you just remain friends with the unattractive ones, nothing says, “this Guy knows how to treat a lady” by you rocking up with 5 girls at a club (even if they are just friends).
This is known as social proof and it does the heavy lifting for you.
You will not need to work HALF as hard to chat up a girl and get her number if they’ve just seen you arrive with a group of girls.
On an evening you arrive at a club with 5 female friends, get them all a drink and then say to them, “right ladies, I have my 5 best friends with me, now I need to find a girlfriend”. You will have them bringing women to you.
Always be kind to every girl you meet because they will open doors for you that you could only have dreamed about before, and because it’s just the right thing to do.
Best Text Practices
So, you’ve gotten her number, now what?
There are some basic rules to follow when communicating with a woman after you’ve grabbed her number that will stand you the best chance of “closing the deal”.
Whether you are just in it for dating fun or something long term, these are the guidelines that will help you achieve your goals.
13. On the Night
On the evening you’ve acquired her number: You want to text her that same evening but only later when you get home (assuming you’re not a raging alcoholic and don’t get home at 4am). I’d say between midnight and 1am is a good time to message.
You need to be polite, cheeky, respectful and confident. Something like, “Hey Laura, this is Greg. Just wanted to let you have my number. It was great getting to know you earlier, hope to chat soon”
That is just enough to give her your number, let her know you aren’t still out too late and that you enjoyed her company, but not too much that you scare her off.
There is a very thin line between a pleasant contact like the example above and fucking it up completely before you’ve even set up a date. Remember to check the message before you send it.
Don’t send it to the wrong woman, check spelling, especially if you’re sloshed.
Here is an example of what a lot of very sweet and well-intentioned men do but that you should avoid:
“Hey Laura, Greg here, just wanted to let you know that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since we met. You’re honestly one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever seen, I hope to get to see you again really soon, sweet dreams beautiful..” no no NO!
A text like this, even if it’s true, shows your hand and you’re done. There is no mystery to your feelings, she isn’t left wanting and wondering, it’s all just laid out for her. Bad move.
Even if she replies and says that was the sweetest text she’s ever received, from that moment on, you’re chasing and she holds all the cards. Never give her too much, you will never get it back.
She needs to be curious about you and your feelings for her. Show her in person how you feel by actions like, opening the door, holding her hand and Not pressuring her for sex.
14. Things Not to Do
Never seek validation. Never ask if she’s thinking about you or if she misses you. Because you don’t need to know, you just assume she is! (or at least that’s what she needs to believe).
If you tell her how much you care with texts or messages that will sit in her smart phone for her to read over and over, you’re on your way out. Remember, every time a woman reads a text, it’s like you’re saying that thing to her, and she will read it over and over.
She will get sick of you saying something even if you’ve just texted it to her once!
The same goes for when you are having a fight. Rather call her and talk it out, never text shit that she can read over or show to her friends, she will always show them your stupid texts out of context and you’re a gonner.
When you feel insecure (and you will do, because she is hot and we are men, that’s what we do), honesty is the worst thing you can offer her.
Never show that you are insecure. If you are away and she texts you that she is going over to Neville’s place with some friends, your response needs to be, “ah that sounds like fun, I hope you guys have a great time”.
Feel free to scream, “WHO THE FUCK IS THIS NEVILLE CHARACTER AND ARE YOU FUCKING HIM???!!!” as much as you like, just make sure that you do it into a pillow and when she is not on the phone with you.
Does James Bond question a girl when she says she’s going to a guy friend’s house? No, he’s fucking James Bond, he has shit to do and he can get any woman he wants so another guy isn’t even on his radar.
I know it’s hard not to seem jealous and act like a wanker when you’re feeling insecure, but really, what is the alternative. If your reply is, “oh? who is Neville?” (or any variation of that), you have just halved your attractiveness to her.
If you say, “have a great time.” you have become twice as attractive to her. If she wants you to know who he is, she’ll tell you, if you want to know who he is, tough shit, the life of a stud is hard, deal with it.
Don’t seem needy, suggest a time to meet a few days after you’ve 1st gotten her number. (You’ve got a life and things to do, you’ll see her when you can).
Don’t seek validation. (You don’t need validation; you’re a catch and you know it)
Don’t get insecure: (Or do but never show it.. Ever!)
Don’t ask if she likes you: (the answer to, “do you still like me?” is: she will like you a little less each time you ask a pathetic question).
How long should you wait before replying to a text from her? This is actually a good question. If you use the rule where you take as long as she took to reply to your last message, she will figure this out very quickly and you will seem like an immature cock who doesn’t know what he’s doing.
But if you take 10 seconds to reply to every message she sends you, she will feel like you are sitting there waiting and subconsciously, she’s got you over a barrel. It’s a slippery slope from there my friend.
So, answer her messages in full, when you’re able. If you are having a text chat then reply at a speed that she would expect. Don’t play games with her.
Don’t always send the last message of a chat. Too many text chats don’t require a thumbs up emoji or an “ok” or “cool” to end off a chat, just stop typing.
And when you’re busy you’re busy. Don’t text through a movie or dinner that you’re enjoying with friends or family. It’s disrespectful to those in your company and she needs to understand that you’re not always available.
Watch the movie or eat, and text after, if she asks what you were busy with, tell her you were watching a movie or eating. Make sure though that you don’t text during a movie or a meal that you’re enjoying with her.
Neil Strauss wrote a great little book called The Game. If not taken too seriously, it can give otherwise nervous folks some great tips on how to pick up women.
Here is a little clip of Neil chatting with Russel Brand on the art of the pick-up
Don’t take things too seriously. If you believe in yourself, then others will believe in you too, and if you don’t believe in yourself, just keep quiet. you will seem mysterious and that’s almost as good as being awesome!
It doesn’t matter how weird you are after you get to know her, be as weird as you like, just be confident about it and you will attract people.
People will think about you the way they think you feel about yourself. Respect yourself and people will respect you.
Have some fun, she’s not rejecting you, she’s rejecting herself which she sees in a version of you that is false. Let her go, let her be another guy’s problem, you don’t need the aggravation anyway.
Cut your losses. DO NOT stick around in a relationship where you’re fighting all the time. You’re missing out on your dream woman (women) while dealing with bullshit.
I don’t want to hear about how much you hate clowns, what really I want to know is why you keep going to the circus.. Leave her..
Be kind to yourself. You only have a brief flash of life in the great scheme of things. Take risks, live your life fully, do what YOU want to do.
Thanks for reading..
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